TITLE: Supernova
GENRE: YA Suspense
Alexa always thought she had a high tolerance for pain. Pain is your friend. Coach Lawry’s voice echoed in her head. How many times had he said that? Except there was nothing friendly about the feeling that coursed through her body. Her muscles throbbed and her head ached like she’d just finished an Elvis mile – Coach joked the workout came with a guaranteed vision of the King as you lay sprawled on the track after the hardest four laps of your running career. Real funny, huh?
Now, like then, she lay flat on her back with her eyes closed and head fuzzy – but the bigger questions were why, how, and where. She knew she wasn’t dreaming because the pounding in her head was like nothing her subconscious could possibly imagine. She wanted to open her eyes but that required moving, and the pain spoke loud and clear on that point.
Then, she heard a low murmur, a voice…a man’s voice. That meant she wasn’t alone. Thank God. Someone was taking care of this situation – of her. She concentrated and the voice became clearer. There was an edge to it that seemed vaguely familiar, she’d heard that voice before. Elation fluttered throughout her body, became an instant painkiller like Vicodin with a splash of vodka – her mother’s preferred method of headache relief. And in that moment of retreating pain, a vision, possibly a memory, flickered in her head.
I really liked the voice in this and loved the quirkiness of the 'Elvis mile.' The fact she seems to be in trouble raises the tension. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteMy only criticism is that if Vicodin and vodka are her mother's pain-relief choice, why would she think of it? You used it as a comparison, implying she was feeling its effects -- but unless she's in the habit of taking that mixture like her mother, she wouldn't know what it really feels like.
I really like the first paragraph. The voice is good and it has a nice rhythm.
ReplyDeleteBut then it doesn't feel as active.
Try to frame the scene that follows through your MC's eyes:
Instead of the passive: Then, she heard a low murmur..." Maybe: a low murmur sounded in her ears. Or, a low murmur tickled her ears.
Not trying to be too prescriptive, but I think you get the idea.
You've definitely got something interesting here.
I'd read on!
Yeah, you've got me. I want to find out where she is and why she's hurt. And is that voice she hears really a friendly voice? Why is she elated? Could it be the one who hurt her? I'd keep reading to find that out.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Lexa Cain on the Vicodin and vodka comment. It sounds edgy, but if your character doesn't do the stuff herself (if *she* isn't that edgy), it doesn't sound natural for her to compare what she's feeling with something she's never personally experienced. you could bring up her mother's drug-alcohol mixing habits later, as a way to show her relationship with her mother. For now, try to think of some sort of painkiller she might actually have experienced.
All in all, though, it's quite good.
How would she know what vicodin with a splash of water would feel like though? Her mother yes, her no. So it seems odd to put that in.
ReplyDeleteI think this has quirk. So I would keep reading, but that line really threw me.
Loved the opening.
ReplyDeleteThis piece really hooked me in.
I actually didn't mind the Vicodin reference because I don't think it matters that she hasn't tried it. She knows her mother uses it as a painkiller...and this shows us something about her family situation too. I would definitely keep reading.
Great opening. Nice voice. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I think I would keep reading to see where this is going.
ReplyDeleteLove this--Want to keep reading. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteshelley
I like this one. The writing was clean and clear, and the voice was engaging. While I did like the whole Coach/track/Elvis lead-in, I think it could be pared down just a little so we can get to the present situation sooner.
ReplyDeleteIt struck me as a little off that she's thinking everything else with such clarity, even though her head is "fuzzy," but this "voice" is still a mystery even after six sentences. Maybe she could come to a realization about it a little quicker.
I think the opening would be stronger if you removed the first line, it didn't work for me. The rest of the first para is otherwise interesting and drew me in.
ReplyDeleteI didn't like the line "elation fluttered through her body". For starters, it's passive, she should not be the object of the sentence. Secondly, fluttering does not sound like a verb for elation. I think elation surges or courses or leaps. It would work better if you showed us the elation.
However, it's a good opening, and I'd like to find out more about your MC.
There just wasn’t anything here that grabbed me. She’s laying on the track in pain, too tired to even open her eyes when she hears a voice. Perhaps let the reader hear that voice, too, although, if she’s not interested, why should the reader be? And is the Elvis mile important? If it isn’t, perhaps cut it because if it isn’t important and you have to explain it, you really don’t need it. Perhaps find a way to work in a hint of what the mystery or problem is.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading. The big problem--the truth of her predicament--needs to come to light in the next 250 or so to keep me going. But starting with a mystery is a good hook. And I'm a sucker for an athelete character. We know exactly what she cares about--even in extreme stress and confusion, she's relating everything back to what's familiar--running and her mother's drug habits (I disagree with above comments--you don't need first hand experience with a drug to know how it would feel).
ReplyDelete