TITLE: MARGARET'S CURSE
GENRE: Paranormal
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for MARGARET’S CURSE, a paranormal novel, complete at 104K words.
Practical Magic collides with Romeo and Juliet in MARGARET’S CURSE, a modern love story where witches time travel, jaded ghosts misbehave, and young love is tested with the ultimate sacrifice.
Execution for the crime of witchcraft is a thing of the past. Still, in these modern times, Ophelia and her family of witches shroud their identity. A silence that has held Ophelia safe, until now.
Ophelia’s family has done well to hide their secret. So well, they’ve lost touch with the ways of the witch, Ophelia’s lack of powers a testament to their detachment. But their past pursues them. A dead relative is tracking Ophelia, the same witch who, by cursing another coven, forced Ophelia’s family go into hiding centuries prior. Margaret, the spirit, visits with a purpose: To protect Ophelia from a killer.
When Ophelia falls in love with Elwyn, she has no idea that he too is a witch or that their families share a dark history; The curse cast by Margaret is slaying the men in Elwyn’s coven, leaving him the last of his line. Knowing death pursues him, Elwyn has come to town on a mission – the remedy to the hex lies in the killing of a witch, little does Elwyn know, Ophelia is that witch.
When the truth is divulged, Ophelia faces a curse of her own: A choice that risks condemning a dead woman, murdering Elwyn, and ending her own life.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Best regards,
Aspiring Author
No. I'm confused about who's doing what to home and why, and which who and why is most important.
ReplyDeleteNo from me. The query starts strong, but paragraphs four and five are a bit too dense with plot details. Try condensing the plot description to a single, tight paragraph, and this could be great.
ReplyDeleteYES. You have an interesting premise and it starts out strong. However, there's a lot of info here, which does get a bit confusing.
ReplyDeleteNo. The premise and dilemma is strong but needs pruning and tightening.
ReplyDeleteNo. This was a close one. I loved the ideas you promised with your first paragraph, but you had a little too much going on in the query.
ReplyDeleteClose no. Great premise (though I think your query should start with paragraph 3), but too much action with not enough clearly defined conflict.
ReplyDeleteLike the others said, I love the idea, but I got confused by all the plots.
No. There was too much going on.
ReplyDeleteYes - I'm intrigued enough by the premise to read on.
ReplyDeleteNo, too much going on. This could be tightenend and shortened and I think you can cut para 2 completely.
ReplyDeleteNo, too much going on. And who is Elwyn? He pops up out of nowhere.
ReplyDeleteNo. (Dare I say, which witch is which?)
ReplyDeleteConfusing and needs more focus.
Not for me
ReplyDeleteYes. Good premise for YA. Lots of stakes.
ReplyDeleteNo. The characters and plot weren't laid out clearly enough. Also, some comma use and sentence structure issues make me hesitant to read more.
ReplyDeleteYes. I'm intrigued by the mysterious past and the impossible choices. But I agree that it does get a bit confusing. A little clean-up and it could be really great.
ReplyDeleteYes. I liked the premise and it sounds intriguing.However, please fix this line, which is too passive and confusing: "Knowing death pursues him, Elwyn has come to town on a mission – the remedy to the hex lies in the killing of a witch, little does Elwyn know, Ophelia is that witch."
ReplyDeleteNot as is. You have so much going on that I'm not sure who the main character is. Sorry to be so blunt. Just try to tighten this up to two or three paragraphs and it may change my mind.
ReplyDeleteA hesitant yes. The interesting part of this story seems to have happened already.
ReplyDeleteA tentative yes. You start with a good pitch, but the rest of the query was a tad confusing. It may help to bring up Margaret's Curse earlier on rather than in the second to last paragraph.
ReplyDeleteNo. The query meanders and takes too long to get to the meat of what the story actually is.
ReplyDeleteNo. The query meanders and takes too long to get to the meat of what the story actually is.
ReplyDeleteNo. There's a lot going on here. I'm left with too many questions.
ReplyDeleteNo. The query needs cleaning-up and I agree with the idea of starting with the 3rd paragraph (with some changes, of course). I would say Yes to the premise with a more focused query.
ReplyDeleteYes, but with reservations. Too busy and watch your grammar "Ophelia’s lack of powers IS a testament to their detachment"
ReplyDeleteNo. Long, vague, and confusing.
ReplyDeleteThis is a no for me, but it could be turned into a yes with revisions.
ReplyDeleteFirst, it strikes me that the dead relative's curse is vital to understanding this story, so I'd lead with that. Queries can (and should) have background details when it's necessary.
Secondly, GMC is vital to any query. There isn't a sentence in here that really clearly states what Ophelia wants, and why, and what's keeping her from that. It's great that there's a killer out to get her (conflict), but what goal of hers does that directly oppose? Her goal can't just be to live, because that's a response to the conflict; we become aware of conflicts when we pursue our goals, not the other way around. So, I'm left unsure what I'm rooting for Ophelia to do.
I'd be interested in this if I could see more of the above mentioned details about the characters, and if the sentences showed a concise progression of the plot; right now it feels as if this query doubles back on itself in many of the paragraphs.
No. Too much going on with everyone trying to kill or protect everyone. Got a bit confusing.
ReplyDeleteNo. The query started out well, but then it got confusing. I really like this kind of storytelling, witches and such, so I think if you can tighten up your query, you'll have a winner. Also, there are some grammar issues, which would worry me as an agent.
ReplyDeleteI think this query is only confusing because of some of the writing. A few of the sentences didn't read right, were a bit clunky and confusing. I think a few revisions could fix this and make this great - because you do have the stakes in there, I can see them, they're just a little hidden by the writing right now. See what you can do to just shorten things and it'll clear this up.
ReplyDeleteYes, but just barely. I had trouble following who wanted what, but I think there's a solid story here buried under a confusing query.
ReplyDeleteAt least I hope so.
No. It was close, but the real story starts in paragraph five. Most of the rest is backstory that could be summed up to give more attention to the obstacles and choices Elwyn and Ophelia must make.
ReplyDeleteNo. The idea is promising, but I'm confused about details. What's the curse exactly? What does it mean to condemn a dead woman?
ReplyDelete(Side note: I was startled and knocked off balance because you reference R&J but the MC's name is Ophelia. But maybe that's just me.)
This lost me in the second paragraph. Persecution is a thing of the past, but these witches still shroud their identity. For me, the two opposing sentences clash, right near the beginning of the query. You explain a bit further on, but by then you've already lost me.
ReplyDeleteNo thanks. I agree with Abbe that having an Ophelia following a reference to Romeo and Juliet was a bit of a Shakespeare heroine OD. But the query seemed to be a bit of a kitchen sink to me.
ReplyDelete