TITLE: THE BLUE SKY AND THE YELLOW SUN
GENRE: Fantasy Romance
Captured while on a mission to infiltrate enemy headquarters, Tristan and Aspen are breaking out, along with a young slave girl who helped them plan the escape.
At long last, a knife glinted in the moonlight as it slid along the back of her tent. She crept out, heart leaping as she took Tristan's hand that was offered to help her up. He drew her up to her full height, much smaller than his.
He's so handsome. The way he stares at me is so amorous. Look away, Tristan. I'm blushing.
Aspen keenly felt her hand still in his. He held it so gently. She wished she could tell him she loved him; that he was the most perfect man of her acquaintance; that his face called her home to him. Gazing into his intoxicating blue eyes took her breath away.
They could not speak for fear of discovery, so Tristan could only do one thing when he saw his beloved. A smile played about his lips as he looked straight at her. He leaned down slightly until his lips touched hers. Aspen's heart fluttered as she returned the gesture, their faces locked for a moment in immortal love, his arms around her in a sweet embrace. Her hand had found its way to his chest, which pounded, strong and safe.
Oh, I never want this moment to end.
Reluctantly, they pulled away from each other to find little Ava gawking with eyes as big as planets. Aspen tried not to laugh at the look of astonishment on the girl's face. Aspen was feeling a little astonished herself. But at the same time, not really.
What a scene of intrigue! Is she nervous at all that he's wasting time when he kisses her--what if the guards come? In general, I prefer a close third style to italicized thoughts in first--so, "smaller than his. He was so handsome. The way he stared at her..." Try it out and see how it affects the flow. Also, I'd love to see how he stared at her amorously, rather than being told he is. What is it in his eyes that shows that?
ReplyDeleteOh, romance in a fantasy world! Swoon!
ReplyDeleteThere is something a bit too formal about this, though--especially about her internal dialogue ("The way he stares at me is so amorous" -- people don't really think/talk that way).
Also, there is a lot of TELL and not enough SHOW here. We need some dialogue between them, some subtle beats telling us what eyes and hands and hearts are doing. This feels "narrator-y", so it doesn't really draw us in to the intimacy of the moment.
Be careful of overwriting, too. For instance:
"Gazing into his intoxicating blue eyes took her breath away." ("intoxicating" and "blue" aren't necessary.)
Also, don't TELL us that her breath was taken away -- SHOW us. Such as:
Her breath caught in her throat.
or
She tried to breath.
Something that SHOWS instead of TELLS.
This is also overwritten:
their faces locked for a moment in immortal love, his arms around her in a sweet embrace.
It's too distanced and too flowery. What is she FEELING? What does his embrace FEEL like?
Bring us closer, so that we can feel the kiss, too. :)
This scene offers lots of opportunities for tension. I did think simplifying a few portions would keep the flow and tension rising. For instance, perhaps the simpler '...as she took the hand Tristan offered. He drew her up...'? I also was stopped by the used of 'amorous' in her thoughts -- it felt overly formal, but then, I don't yet know the era in which this takes place or her usual speech and thought patterns -- so I could be way off!
ReplyDeleteIn the circumstances -- as they're escaping -- wouldn't finding Ava gawking be more of a jolt to her than a humorous moment? Even in the midst of their kiss, I'd expect her to on some level be aware of the danger they are in -- which can be woven into the excitement of the moment.