TITLE: The Pursuit of Craze
GENRE: Adult - Romantic Suspense/Fantasy
It was a movement over the record exec’s shoulder that caught Allie’s attention. A door opening, a shift in the air. The record company guy’s name was Gary, and he had invited Allie and Kate backstage after spying them on the fringes of the heavy metal festival crowd, leaning against a fence, drinking beer out of clear plastic cups. As he mentioned at the time, by way of ice breaking, they didn’t exactly blend in. Right then, while Kate was busy helping herself to the free backstage alcohol, he was saying something about the other bands he worked with, how long he’d been in the biz, yada yada, and Allie was making a valiant effort to follow along.
More shifting, a change in the cast of players, and everything on her periphery went fuzzy. In the center of it all, in details so sharp the backs of her eyeballs prickled, stood Daemon Craze. Gary’s voice faded, like he was sliding underwater. Or maybe she was the one slipping under. Daemon casually made his way towards them, and his eyes were so dark she almost couldn’t tell where the irises ended and the eyelashes began. In person he was everything he had always been in pictures, but more so.
He stopped even with Gary, and locked eyes with her. She had to force herself not to yield to him and drop her gaze. Instead she tucked a strand of blond hair behind her ear, and dropped her hands to the pockets of her low-slung satin capris.
I'm confused by who "her" is ... I'm thinking it's Allie, but I'm not clear, so it trips me up. Also, "Kate and Allie" is a show from the 80s(?) and I wonder if that's intentional. And I don't know why they look out of place ... or how old they are. I know 250 words is not a lot of space, but I feel like there are more questions than information here. Hope this helps as I'm always up for a story with a lot of music!
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph starts with a movement that sets up an expectation of something happening, which is good. Then you back up and explain how Allie got there. Unfortunately, for me, I got tripped up in whether it's plausible that a record exec would bring a couple women backstage because they looked out of place. I think I'd go with a different reason for them to be backstage as the main benefit to what you have is that we know these two women are not typical-looking heavy metal fans. After you introduce Daemon into the scene, it gets more interesting-maybe use your first paragraph to give us some more info about your protagonist before you introduce who I assume is the romantic interest. Nice tension between them.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid this opening wouldn't cut it for me. Too much telling, too many things being glossed over. I don't feel as if I'm entering a story as much as being pushed.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit confused about the logistics here -- who's where when. There's movement over Gary's shoulder, then we learn that he invited them backstage, then we go back and see where he met Allie and Kate in the crowd, then we're backstage (the "right then" in particular is tripping me up). Clarifying the timeline would help a lot.
ReplyDeleteIn the second paragraph regarding Daemon Craze, we get "details so sharp the backs of her eyeballs prickled" and "he was everything he had always been in pictures, but more so," but other than his eyes being dark, I don't have any idea what he looks like. Getting some more details about that would give her (I'm actually not sure whether it's Allie or Kate) reaction more weight. Good luck!
I think your biggest issue here is the little flashback in the middle of your opening. It's disorienting to start in the present, when movement catches Allie's attention, and then hop back for a paragraph and a half before revealing that the movement is actually Daemon. It's fine to mention that Allie and Kate are backstage, invited by Gary, but I don't need to know the details surrounding those circumstances--at least not in a way that interrupts your opening action.
ReplyDeleteOn a related note, I think you can tighten up a lot of your sentences. "The record company guy’s name was Gary, and he had invited Allie and Kate backstage after spying them on the fringes of the heavy metal festival crowd, leaning against a fence, drinking beer out of clear plastic cups." is a lot of info in once sentence, and it doesn't all need to be there.
All that said, I think you've got some strong descriptions here that show promise for the project, even with the opening needing some work.
Thank you for your entry!